Llamas with Hats (Durarara version)
by Tiger Empress 546
Summary: What happens when Llamas with Hats meets Shizuo and Izaya. Shizuo is trying to live a peaceful life, but he constantly has to clean up Izaya's messes that are considered morbid and horrifying. WARNING CONTAINS DARK AND GROTESQUE THEMES! I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! But I do wish I could own Shizuo-chan! Enjoy and please review. No flames please!
1. Chapter 1

"IZAYA! WHY IS THERE A DEAD PERSON IN OUR APARTMENT?" Shizuo shouted glaring holes into Izaya who had just come into the room, at the harsh call from his roommate. Slouched on the wall in between them, lay a dead man with bloodied clothing and two severed hands, that magically weren't in view at the time.

"Oh...hey...how did he get there?" Izaya said sheepishly, attempting to be oblivious to the current deep trouble that he had got himself into again.

"IZAYA! What did you do?!" The blonde demanded already through his third cigarette, that had just met its doom underneath the ex bartender's foot slamming down in rage.

"Me? Uh, I didn't do this!" The info broker lied. "Explain what happened, Izaya!"

"I've never seen him before in my life!"

"Why did you kill this person, Izaya?"

Shizuo was trying to remain somewhat neutral, but his psychopathic roommate was only instigating him further by not owning up to his own misdeed.

"I do not kill people. That is..that is my least favorite thing to do." The brunette stuttered having a hard time hiding his guilty conscience, and from the blonde's smoldering gaze bearing down on him, it made him much more uneasy.

"Tell me Izaya, what exactly you were doing before I came home?"

"Alright, well...I was upstairs..."

"Okay..."

"I was uh...I was sitting in my room..."

"Yes?"

"..reading a book.."

"Go on..."

"And uh...well this guy walked in."

"Okay.."

"So, I went up to him..."

"Yes..."

"And I..I stabbed him in the chest 37 times." It took a few seconds before the ex bartender finally registered the info broker's words.

"IZZAAYYAAA! That kills people!"

"Oh, well I didn't know that!"

"How could you not know that?" Shizuo was trying to contemplate on how the insane info broker was even allowed to keep his job due to his sadist demeanor, yet Shizuo knew better than to even bother figuring that out.

"Yeah, I'm in the wrong year. I SUCK!" As Shizuo studied the corpses body, he finally came to realize that the hands were missing."What happened to his hands?"

"What's that?" Izaya asked, trying to avoid the question being directed at him.

"Why-why are they missing?" Shizuo repeating secretly fearing the dreaded answer that awaited his ears.

"Well I kind of umm..cooked them up and ate them." Seconds passed, before Shizuo shouted once more. "IZZAAYYAA!"

"Well I-I was hungry. And well you know, when you crave hands."

"Why on earth would you do that?!" Shizuo couldn't believe what he was hearing, though cannibalism from Izaya wasn't that hard to believe "I was hungry for hands, Gimme a break!" Izaya frowned.

"IZAYA!" Shizuo yelled.

"My stomach was making the rumblies." Izaya defended

"IZAYA!"

"That only hands would satisfy." The brunette added with a sadist grin plastered on his face.

"What is wrong with you, Izaya?!"

"Well I kill people and I eat hands! That's-that's two things." Izaya replied honestly, which the blonde responded by taking his anger out on the already dead corpse.

End of Episode 1


	2. Chapter 2

"Izaya, what was that all about?" Shizuo demanded.

"I'm not sure what you're referring to?" The info broker said smugly.

"You sunk an entire cruise ship, Izaya!"

Indeed, the info broker had sunk an entire cruise ship, and the only two survivors were him and the angry blonde, who was contemplating on throwing the informant overboard.

"Are you sure that was me? I-I would think I'd remember something like that."

Shizuo growled irritably."Izaya I watched you fire a harpoon in the captain's face."

Izaya's eyes lit up with interest as if he was actually stunned. "Wow that's sounds dangerous."

"You were headbutting children off the side of the ship." Shizuo exclaimed exasperatedly.

"That's huh, that must've been horrifying to watch!" Izaya replied trying to act innocent.

"Then you starting making out with the ice sculptures."

Izaya grinned deviously.""Well thank God, that the children weren't on board to see it."

Shizuo suddenly became aware of a strange substance surrounding the two inside the lifeboat.

"Uhhh, Izaya why is the lifeboat red and sticky?"

"Well I guess you could say it is red and sticky." Izaya noticed.

"Izaya, what are we standing in?"

"Would you believe it to be strawberry milkshake?" Izaya asked.

"No, I would not believe that." Shizuo frowned

"Uhh, melted gumdrops?"

"No."

"Raspberry jam?"

"No, tell me the truth, Izaya." The info broker held up his hands and sighed. "Fine, it was the lovely elderly couple from 2B."

"IZZAAYYAA!" Came the harsh cry from the ex bartender.

"Well, they were, uh, taking all the croissant rolls." Shizuo was officially done with this nonsense."I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

"I will not apologize for art!" Izaya stated firmly. Shizuo then started to look around as he know noticed no other lifeboats were in sight.

"Where are the other lifeboats?"

"Woah! You've won the prize. I didn't' even notice that." The brunette giggled.

"Where are the other lifeboats, Izaya?" Shizuo demanded.

"Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the ocean. I stabbed lots of holes in them." Izaya smiled, flicking out his switchblade for emphasis.

"IZZAAYYAA!"

"I have a problem. I have a serious problem." The info broker admitted.

"You are just terrible today!" Shizuo grumbled

"Shh!" Izaya said suddenly, cupping his hand to his ear. "Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."

"That's the sound of people drowning, Izaya." The ex bartender growled.

"That is what forgiveness sounds like, screaming and then silence." Izaya then found himself in the middle of the ocean, as he was forced to swim all the way back to land, while Shizuo had no other option but to use his hands and paddle all the way back to Ikebokurough. This was officially the last time that they ever went on a cruise ship.


	3. Chapter 3

"IZAYA, we're supposed to be on vacation!" Shizuo yelled, already fed up with Izaya's latest scheme that ended horribly in fatality and destruction. Surrounding them was a pile of rubble that used to be a beautiful city.

"I don't know about you but I'm having a lovely time here." Izaya chuckled.

"You toppled a south American government, Izaya!" The blonde snarled.

"The people have spoken. Valvata le resistance." The info broker stated in a foreign accent.

"You pushed the resistance leader into a giant fan!" Shizuo shouted.

"He was a traitor and a scoundrel." Izaya argued.

"He was trying to stop you from pushing other people into a giant fan." The blonde reminded him.

Suddenly, a weird object poked out of Izaya's stomach. "Oh, that was a foot. I seem to have swallowed an entire person." Izaya laughed, as Shizuo frowned. "That would be the hotel bartender."

"Aren't you glad that you're not a bartender anymore? This could've been you."

Shizuo was angry with Izaya, but deep down he was also thankful that he wasn't a bartender anymore, because even though it may have been a dark joke on Izaya's part, it was nothing further from the truth.

"It was horrifying, Izaya. Your mouth unhinged like a snake." Shizuo shivered, recalling the horrifying memory of Izaya swallowing the bartender whole.

"Wow, that sounds pretty awesome!" The brunette smiled seemingly pleased with himself.

"I can't go anywhere with you, Izaya."Shizuo sighed.

"That hurts my feelings, now we're both in the wrong."

"I wanna go home, we're leaving." Shizuo prepared to leave, when Izaya stopped him suddenly.

"In that case I should probably mention that I filled all our luggage with orphan meat."

Shizuo did a double take.

"Wh-what?"

"I'm building a meat dragon and not just any meat will do." Izaya explained as if it was completely normal for a sane person to do.

"You know what. Forget it, I'm not even shocked anymore." The blonde said crossing his arms.

"Oh, that's no fun." Izaya whined.

"This has become the norm for you, Izaya."

"I'll have to try harder next time." Izaya grinned deviously.

"Please don't." Shizuo begged.

"I feel like I been initiated a challenge. "Izaya!"

"It's too late now, you?" Izaya broke off suddenly. "You?"

"I totally forgot your name." Izaya admitted.

"We've known each other for ten years, Izaya. Years that I'll never get back!" Shizuo exclaimed.

""What an impression you've made." Izaya said smugly.

"My name is Shizuo." The blonde replied flatly.

"I thought it was Shizuo-chan?" Izaya questioned.

"Why would you think that?" Shizuo demanded.

"Well it's the nickname I gave you when we met, so I thought that it was your real name."

Shizuo couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"If you were the one to give the nickname in the first place, why would you think that it was my real name?"

"To be honest, I always knew that Shizuo was your real name, but I really prefer the nickname Shizuo-chan. It suits you."

Izaya later found himself strapped to the outside wing of a huge plane, that Shizuo had found, and was using it to get back home. Unknowing to the info broker, Shizuo had buried the orphan meat, and gave each one a proper burial, as if to apologize for a gruesome end.


	4. Chapter 4

IZAYA! You've tracked mud all over the carpet." Shizuo growled, as Izaya came through the house, leaving muddy foot prints all over Shizuo's once clean floor.

"Now that right there is a mess." The info broker noted casually.

"I just had it cleaned yesterday, Izaya!" The blonde shouted

"I am not responsible for this! I've been jamming on the saxophone all morning!" Izaya defended.

"Those are clearly your foot prints, Izaya!"

"Then there is an impostor on the loose!" The info broker declared.

"They led directly to you!" Shizuo screamed pointing exasperatedly towards the foot prints

"Clue number one, the impostor is a phantom."

"Izaya, stop avoid... BOOOOOMMMMM! (The entire house blows up, and thousands of people explode from a nuke bomb set off by an infamous info broker)

"IZZZAAAYYAAA!" Came the infamous scream from the ex bartender.

"Happy Birthday!" Izaya shouted happily.

"It's not..please tell me you had nothing to do with this!"

"Why don't you blow out your candles?" Izaya questioned with excitement in his tone.

"You've gone too far this time, Izaya!" The blonde exclaimed.

"What's that? It's hard to hear you over the sound of melting city!" Izaya yelled, pretending he couldn't hear the angry blonde.

"How did you even do this?" Shizuo screamed, not really wanting an explanation, knowing full well it would sent him into a mental state that he didn't want to be in at that time.

"A dollop of fairy dust." Izaya answered.

"IZAYA!"

"I ripped a tag off a mattress." The brunette joked.

"This isn't funny, Izaya." Shizuo grunted.

"Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people that just exploded!" Izaya chuckled wickedly.

"I'm leaving, I had enough of this!"

"But think of all the perfectly roasted faces we get to munch on."

"But why?!"

"Because friendship is two pals munching on a well cooked face together!"

Shizuo could only hold onto his sanity for so much longer.  
"That isn't friendship, Izaya! That's sick!"

"Well then you're probably not gonna like your birthday decorations." Izaya said, blankly stating the obvious.

"It's not even my...oh my gosh!" Shizuo stared upwards art the array of human faces tied to balloons floating across the sky.

"SURPRISE!" Izaya shouted happily, holding his hands in the air.

"Ah oh uh no ah uh!" The ex bartender groaned at the sight of the grotesque ballons flaoting past him.

"I'm sorry! I thought you liked faces. Obviously there's a miscommunication" Izaya noted, watching his roommate's look of horror at his handiwork.

"This is awful, Izaya!" Shizuo shouted.

"You're right. It's not nearly as tasteful as I pictured it in my head." The info broker admitted.

"I think I'm going to throw..oh gosh one touched me!" Shizuo shrieked, upon one of the human balloons brushing up against his arm as it sailed past.

"This was clearly the wrong way to go." Izaya frowned suddenly becoming aware that his plan was an ultimate failure on his part.

"Ya think, Izaya?!" Shizuo shouted.

"What can I say? I expected them to be cooked more. Raw face is just gross." Izaya said with a large hint of disgust in his tone.

"But that isn't the point, Izaya!" Why would you think that any of this is a good idea?"

"Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence." Izaya explained casually.

A moment of silence passed between them.

"Oh," Shizuo frowned.

"I don't understand how you keep forgetting that." Izaya sighed.


	5. Chapter 5

"Izaya!" Shizuo shouted. I know you've done something.."

"Whatever are you referring to." Izaya giggled.

"You've always done something. It's a lovely day out, we're having a good time. What have you done?!" The blonde demanded, lighting another cigarette preparing for the worst.

"You mistake me for some sort of scoundrel." Was the obvious reply.

"IZAYA!"  
"I am a respected member of the community. To even insinuate.."

"Well, Izaya. What did you do today?" Shizuo broke in angrily.

"Well, let's see, I washed the car." Izaya started to check things out loud..

"Uhuh" Shizuo grunted.

"I made a donation to the local girl scouts troop."

"Sure."

"I returned an overdue movie at Blockbuster."

"What else?" The blonde pressed.

"I stepped on a ladybug by accident." The brunette chuckled innocently..

"Go on." The ex bartender urged.  
"And I baked some banana bread for our neighbor, Shinra. I believe that's it. Done!" Izaya declared seemingly content with his own explanation.

"That's it?" Shizuo inquired sensing something else had happend.

That's all I did today...(a crack in space time happens) Ohhhhhh..."

"Izaya! What is that?" Shiuo growled.

"I may have forgot to mention one of my activities." Izaya admitted, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"IZAYA!" Shizuo roared.

"I apologize, that was wrong."

"Explain, Izaya!" The ex bartender demanded.

"Well from here it looks like a weather balloon." Izaya noted.

"I'm not in the mood for this!" Shizuo shouted stomping on top of his cigarette.

"I think it's just a lens flare and some dust."

"Just tell me, Izaya." Shizuo urged.

"Fine, I may have created a crack in space time. Through which to collect millions of baby hands." Izaya answered, as strange objects started to tumble out of the crack.

"Huh." Shizuo murmured, unimpressed by the amount of baby hands that were piling up around the two.

"What do mean, huh?" Izaya inquired.

"I think I expecting worse." Shizuo admitted, catching the info broker off guard.

"Worse? But this is totally fugged bro." The brunette argued.

"I know but after last time with the nuke and the faces it's just..."

"Come on look at this. How did I even do this?" Izaya gestured towards the still growing amount of baby hands.

"I don't understand how or why you do anything!" Shizuo exclaimed.

"Do you know what is feels like to be Izaya right now? It hurts. Not as much as the babies, but it hurts."

Shizuo then proceeded to toss Izaya into the crack, in which Izaya got to visit many of the angry parents, whom were very angry that he had taken their babies hands away.

To this day Izaya now only sticks to human meat, and wisely chooses to skip baby hands.

End of Episode 5


	6. Chapter 6

Silence existed between the two teens until the infamous info broker broke it. "Aren't you going to say it?" Izaya asked, expecting the usual cry of rage from his blonde roommate.

"Say what, Izaya?" Shizuo inquired coldly.

"THAT! My name all offended and annoyed." Izaya declared happy that he was finally acknowledged by the ex bartender.

"I'm leaving, Izaya." Shizuo stated flatly sparing no emotion whatsoever.

"What?!" Izaya shouted in disbelief unaware that it had to do with his psychotic behavior.

"I'm moving out!" The blonde repeated icily.

"It's the meat conveyor isn't it?" Izaya guessed, turning to the large conveyor belt that was slowly transporting a large amount of 'mystery meat' that Shizuo preferred to be ignorant towards.

"You never were fond of modern home design." Izaya frowned disapprovingly.

"It's a lot of things, Izaya!" Shizuo snapped, letting his cigarette fall from his mouth, while preparing to stomp on top of it.

"Just let me explain..efficiency, industry never before has so many dead bodies been so manageable." The brunette explained as if advertising

"IZAYA!" Came the harsh cry that the info broker was hoping for.

"I'm the Henry Ford of human meat." The brunette continued.

"I've already packed! I'm not coming back!" Shizuo was preparing to take his leave, this time for good, which Izaya was know finally noticing.

"Awe, come on! We haven't even gotten to the big surprise yet!" Izaya urged his roommate to reconsider.

"I'm sure it's very upsetting!" The ex bartender grumbled.

"Well, now I don't even want to show you..." The info broker huffed.

"Good I don't want to see it!" Shizuo interrupted angrily.

"...and you're being a huge b hole right now!" Izaya broke in frustratingly.

"I'm not the one shoving people into a meat grinder!" Shizuo shouted exasperatedly

"It's not a meat grinder! It's an orphan stomper!" Izaya defended.

"Gross!" The ex bartender spat.

"You know what's gross, you're attitude!" The brunette growled.

"Are you serious?!" Shizuo yelled.

"What have I done to deserve all of this b hole coming out of your mouth?" Izaya asked.

"It's everything, Izaya! It's everything, you've done, ever!" The blonde roared.

"Everything? Even the time that I helped Mr's Bixby with her garden?" Izaya questioned finding nothing wrong with his sadistic behavior.

"You buried her there!" The blonde shouted.

"It's what she would have wanted!" Izaya grinned.

"You buried her alive!" The blonde roared.

"She wasn't keeping up with the weeding! As president of the homeowners association, I had to take immediate action." The brunette declared seemingly pleased with himself.

"All you do is kill people, Izaya!"

That's like saying all Mozart did, was write songs!" Izaya shot back.

"You are completely insane!" Shizuo snapped.

Oh, weird, that's what all these orphans said." The info broker reminisced

Suddenly a loud, rumbling noise was heard from outside and from the window, and the blonde could see a dragon-like creature made out of the same mystery meat on the conveyor belt and was also alive and moving, as it came up and growled angrily.

"Is that the surprise?" Shizuo asked, not even the least bit surprised anymore.

"...no." Izaya turned away in embarrassment.

"That looks like a meat dragon." Shizuo observed, watching Izaya flinch uncomfortably. "Did you finish your meat dragon, Izaya?"

"Maybe..." The info replied monotone.

"It's horrifying!" Shizuo mumbled, earning the trademark smirk of the brunette as he had gotten the reaction that he was aiming for this entire time.

"Thank you." Was the devious reply.

The info broker was then left alone with an angry meat dragon who was tempted to break into the room where he was. The creature growled disapprovingly.

"I know, I know. I'll find someway to fix this! I always know how to fix things, don't I?"

The dragon roared in response.

"At least somebody appreciates my handiwork!" Izaya called out to no one.

End of Episode 6


	7. Chapter 7

Days later after Shizuo and Izaya last saw each other, Izaya created a face mask that looked exactly like Shizuo, and had strapped it to a sheep that was one of his "test subjects," however the sheep wasn't exactly pleased with this, and Izaya soon found out that it wasn't as much fun as he had thought.

Mmmrrraaahhhh!" The sheep bleated, obviously angry with Izaya.

"Who me?" Izaya questioned.

Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

"What ever could you be referring to?"

Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!" The sheep then turned it's head to the recently made chair covered in hands, and ironically shaped like a giant hand.

"Oh, the hand chair. I recently taken up carpentry." The informant stated proudly.

Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!" The sheep protested.

"Oh how would you feel if I called your work a monstrosity?" Izaya retorted.

Mrah mrah mrah!"

"Of course I had use faces! Anything else would be disrespecting the art." The brunette explained.

Mrah mrah raw mrah rawr raw rawwrr!

"It's called modernism, only I made it more modern by using face parts of city council members." The info broker stated.

Mmmrraahh-mrah!" The sheep cried.

"I disagreed with the election results." Izaya told him.

Mrah!

Someone had to take a stand! I am patriot and a hero." Izaya smiled feeling quite pleased with himself at this point.

Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah."

"Fine, if you're going to whine about it, I can sew them back on. I think their bodies are still in my blood canal." Izaya said.

Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

"Yes, I'm the crazy one. Not the people who elected these buffoons!" The brunette shouted.

Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

If you paid any attention to our city charter meetings, you would see that it wasn't an over reaction."

"Mmrraahh!"

"What are you doing?" Izaya asked, finding the sheep Shizuo's behavior strange and slightly disturbing.

"Mraaaah!

"You're sitting..." The info broker noted, as the sheep was indeed sitting down, looking at him rather smug, despite having the Shizuo mask over his face.

'Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!"

"You never sit." Izaya frowned disapprovingly.

Mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!"

"You're always standing Shizuo-chan. You're not supposed to sit!" The info broker shouted frustratingly.

Mrah." The sheep cried while laying down on all fours.

"I find this very upsetting." The informant mumbled.

Mrah mrah mrah raw raw raw!

"You don't even care, do you? About MY feelings?!" Izaya snapped.

Mrah mrah mrah mrah!" The sheep growled.

"Will you please just stand up, Shizuo-chan." Izaya pleaded.

Mrah?!" The sheep bleated mockingly while preforming a handstand.

I don't even know who you are anymore!" The informant grumbled.

Mrah raw mraw mraw?"

"No, you cannot take off the mask." Izaya told him firmly.

"It has to look right when I throw you into the blood canal." The poor sheep soon found himself maskless and thrown into the blood canal, as Izaya looked down at him with insanity, before locking the trapdoor shut, while the sheep's cries for help, unintentionally soothed the info broker right to sleep.

End of Episode 7


	8. Chapter 8

Shizuo-chan, are you home?" Izaya called from outside Shizuo's apartment door, while wearing the Shizuo mask, after the sheep was "done" with it. Hearing no response, the info broker decided to use his deceptive tactics to get his ex-roommate to talk to him.

Ding dong!" Landlord! Pizza delivery. Fire department!" Bank manager you have an appointment."

"What do you want, Izaya?" Came the ex bartender's annoyed voice.

"I want to be treated like a friend, Shizuo-chan." Izaya said.

"We're not friends anymore!" The ex bartender answered firmly.

"Didn't you get my apology piano?" Izaya asked.

"Pianos are not supposed to bleed and scream!" Shizuo shouted.

"I guess it was not a piano and more of a statement on pianos." The informant said thoughtfully.

"Why don't you go horrify someone else?" Shizuo groaned.

"I miss your grumpy face, and the Shizuo-chan mask I made doesn't help. It's not grump enough." Came the obvious excuse.

"You made a mask of my face?" Shizuo asked.

"Yes, and speaking of which, you might want to avoid being seen by federal investigators." Izaya warned deviously.

"IZAYA!" The ex bartender shouted.

"To them you are now known as Nikolai Sponigough, brutal leader of the Russian Obion Cardel." Izaya stated.

"Go home, Izaya! I'm calling the police!" Shizuo threatened, completely fed up with this conversation.

"Bad idea, Nikolai, and you know there isn't a prison I can't bust my way out of." The informant said.

"I'm dialing!" Came the blonde's angry shout.

"Oh, come on! I've got nowhere to go! I burned my house down, once it had enough swans inside, and I used the rest of my savings buying the swans." Izaya explained matter-of-factually.

"And whose fault was that?" Shizuo shouted.

"Society!" "Society and the swans!" Izaya answered simply.

"Izaya, please! I gave you every chance I could. I just can't do it anymore!" Shizuo begged close to tears.

"What if I gave you...ten million dollars cash?" Izaya asked.

"You don't have ten million dollars." The blonde muttered.

"I buried a large chest of double loons once, I can go dig that up!" Izaya offered.

"No, Izaya!" Shizuo yelled.

"It was either that or my zoo books, a lot of something is buried in a hole somewhere." The brunette reminisced

"I'm putting on some music. I'm not listening anymore!" The sound of music from inside of Shizuo's room drowned out any communication between the two.

"Rude." The informant frowned.

"I'm sorry, flesh-meat is so ungrateful, Izaya!" The Shizuo-mask spoke sympathetically from Izaya's own voice.

I know scandalous I say!" The brunette agreed with himself.

"You do such wonderful things, and deserve appreciation." The mask stated.

"It's OK, he'll come around. Once the swan piano arrives." Izaya explained, just as the sound of a crashing piano came from inside of Shziuo's room.

"IIZZAAYYYAAAAAA!" Came the ex bartender's roar along with a horde of honking, crying swans.

"You're welcome!" Izaya called out, before leaving his friend to deal with _his_ mess once again.

End of Episode 8


End file.
